Such Impossible Possibilities
by jettisondown
Summary: What really holds us back is the possibility of something else, something better. So much so, we fail to consider what could simply be right, what could possibly be the best. Jeff POV


_Kamikaze airplanes in the sky…  
Are we going down or will we fly?_

She didn't understand. How could she? She was so young, so untouched and inexperienced. There was no reason for her to understand now. There was so much she still needed to learn, so much of the world she still needed to feel. So much pain she needed to endure before she understood just how much life isn't so clear and as easily distinguishable the neon colours of her binder tablets.

_You either want me, or you don't, Jeff. What's it going to be?_

He wanted her. Of course he did. But Annie, sweet Annie, life wasn't as easy as barging in the men's room and demanding reciprocation and love. Life is complicated, and because love entangles itself so steeply in life, _love_ is complicated. He could explain, but as much as Annie tried to claim the opposite, she wasn't an adult. Therefore, her mind, bright as it may be, still won't be able to comprehend.

Age isn't just a number, Annie. Age comes with consequences and repercussions. For every action, there is a reaction. At his age, the consequences are deeper because his years expect him to make the right decisions for himself and others around him. At her age, mistakes are taken for granted and stored for reminders when she gets to _his_ age. At his age, he needs to consider the next few years ahead of him – dream short sightedly, while her horizon is ever expanding. They were at different ends of the spectrum and as laws of physics run, they will never be able to meet. They will never find that special medium happier, luckier couples fall in love on.

The irony runs deep in their relationship and interactions. It was he who convinced her to enrol in Professor Whitman's class, the very man who preached his students to _seize the day_. Maybe she took that as a direct hint from himself, or maybe community college education is underrated because ever since the day she tentatively placed her ballet flats adorned feet on her desk and her defiant eyes lingered over the heads of her classmates, she never stopped taking risks. The second her feet stepped daintily back on solid ground, she began running towards him. And for the first time in his life, he cowered.

_Carpe Diem_

The number of times he could have just pulled her back whenever she walked away from him in anger, and kissed her – surrendering to powers of her iridescent eyes. The number of times he found himself sitting next to her, it would have only taken him half an inch distance for his hand to touch hers. The number of times he could have spoken up when she needed him to, telling her that for the love of God, and whatever good and holy in the world, that _yes_, _Fucking __yes_, he loved her, and _yes,_ he wants her to take him for what he was, however damaged he was, and mend him, love him.

He thinks maniacally of these times. So much so it consumes him, overpowers him, and shakes his very core to the point where it threatens to break him – where his internal rampage is likened to the Apocalypse of his soul. To the point where he _wishes_ so desperately it _was_ the end of the world so he could let his passion, lust, and love free. So he could hold her tight to him, whisper that he's here and for once their tears would mingle and intersperse for the same reasons. For once, she wouldn't cry because of him but with him. For once, his body would feel relief and release from the gravitational pull he had for Annie. Their lips would meet in the softly, and gently, full of anticipation, hope and resignation as the debris and screams echo in their ears and fire and water engulfs all that they once knew. It would be their Heaven as their surroundings dissolve into Hell.

But that would be the price to pay – their world would have to come to an abrupt end for their love to be realized. If he just crushed her small body to his, and kissed to reckless oblivion, their lives would be forever altered. Annie wouldn't be Annie. Life wouldn't treat her the same way it would if she were without him. She wouldn't be able to shine as brightly as she could, run as far as she could. Relinquishing their restraint towards one another would ultimately dull the eyes that seem to hold the world – his world. And he could not, would not be responsible for that.

What can he say, Annie? She doesn't know the complications of life just yet. She would have such a price to pay for loving him if he took her in his arms right now.

_"I did it because I love you, Jeff!"_

_I know, Annie, I know. _

You need to figure out who you are first, and realize who you can be. You're still finding new layers of yourself you never knew existed. You're still doubting your own strengths and committing to your weaknesses. You have so much to learn about yourself that I already see glimmers of. You have so much to abandon from that journey if you're woven to me. I would be too selfish and try to keep you to me. I won't give myself the opportunity. I can't forgive who I am right now, so I won't be able to forgive letting such a person be with you. I'm too jaded, bitter, and yes, Annie, old. We're standing at opposite ends of a galaxy. I can only shout encouragements through cupped hands, and smile my encouragements as you squint into the sun.

In another life, in a more understanding world, one where there would no need for lawyers to convince others of the mere _existence_ innocence or morals. Then Annie, we would be the kamikaze airplanes in the sky. We could sail away forever more.


End file.
